Friday, April 23, 2010

I'm pretty flexible...

But not this flexible...

Chinese Acrobat, originally uploaded by Renee Silverman.

Not yet, anyway.

I was filling out all my visa applications for China, India, and Bali last night, and I realized that I hadn't even told some of you -- now that I've lost all this weight, I've been accepted to acrobat school! Yes, I'm off to Asia for 6 weeks, to train with the people responsible for making those Cirque du Soleil acrobats so bendy and fit. A few weeks in training and I should be able to do this,


contortionist, originally uploaded by Shreyans Bhansali.

or this,

contortion class, originally uploaded by smith.stina.

or this.

I guess having a positive attitude will be important, as usually they don't take people my age. Yet I'm moderately successful at most things, so I anticipate great results.

My husband is thrilled -- he loves to have me accompany him on his travels, and he can't wait to tell his friends that his wife is in the process of becoming a contortionist. They'll all be so envious!! First I become a certified Pilates instructor, and now an acrobat: how sexy is that?

Obviously, keeping my weight low will be ever so important if I'm to succeed in this latest endeavor, so you can be sure you'll still receive your THWACk! updates even whilst I'm in Asia. I promise I'll take lots of photos too.

Liz Z also pointed out that I should be extremely careful in my eating over there, because you don't always know what you're being served. I promise you I'll make sure I inquire, and if I get served any dog or cat I'll let you know how it tastes!

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Ask me again. Maybe next time you'll get lucky...

We're well into THWACK2, and everyone's going gangbusters. People have paid in their monies -- even me! Somehow I made it to the club with enough cash in my purse to get square with Eleanore. The money I took out of the ATM in Albuquerque during my little weekend away didn't entirely get spent at the New Mexico Immersed in Ink Tattoo and Ink festival. Can you believe it? (Dori and Sharon T, I'll straighten out the rest of the finances with you two tomorrow.)

So far so good. In fact, after eating at restaurants non-stop for five days and having some of the best Mexican I've enjoyed in ages, I weighed in even another pound lighter. Big surprise. Maybe all those refried beans and beers had some kind of catalytic effect? I'm so pleased, though, because I can finally fit into my trousers from two summers ago; last year I couldn't even pull them up one leg! Pretty embarrassing. As I said before, the $25 investment in THWACK has resulted in a 200-fold increase in my wardrobe, as I drag out things that haven't seen the light of day for ages. Of course, there are also two hundred folds in all those trousers because they haven't been ironed for two years either. *sigh* Looks like Mr D has some housework to do when he gets home!

One of the things I do miss about South Africa is Oscar. He was a master ironer. He ironed shirts, he ironed sheets, he ironed blouses with pleats and cargo pants with all their little ties and bunches. He even ironed my underwear, which was strange, because thongs generally don't get very wrinkly. I used to laugh about how unnecessary it is to iron sheets, but I stopped because Mr D always gets wistful and makes a little sad face, which makes me feel kind of guilty. And who wants a wife to feel bad and guilty? Of course he knows I have other good qualities, and would never dream of requiring me to do the ironing. I have blog posts to write! Midget wrestling expos to attend! Tennis matches to play!

And yes, indeed, my sister and I did attend the Tattoo Festival on Sunday. We saw the sign

IMG_9960, originally uploaded by ehdindigo.

and we had to go.

Tragically, we missed the midget wrestling, which was just about the whole reason for going, but I did get this great shirt and a new pair of knickers.

IMG_0128, originally uploaded by ehdindigo.

At the show I also got even more propositions than I usually do! I figured that I might be tapped as a tattoo model...

IMG_0132, originally uploaded by ehdindigo.

but, no. Apparently you need to have some tattoos to qualify. Feh! Details, details! No, all the handsome young tattoo artists were just interested in drumming up business. People were being tattooed at every booth, and the line of the day was, "Hey, ready to get inked?"

I think they sensed my vast expanses of virgin skin, and each one wanted to be the very first. Typical males, really.

I vacillated for a moment

IMG_9970, originally uploaded by ehdindigo.

IMG_9971, originally uploaded by ehdindigo.

but then opted to wait. Sitting on a fresh tattoo on that long plane ride home?

No thanks.


Tuesday, April 6, 2010


Oh, I've been disappointed. Yes. Many, many times.

Hard to believe, isn't it? A woman of my beauty and sophistication? And yet it's true. I don't always get what I want.

The theme this week is disappointment. Some clever ones in our group didn't even weigh in today, knowing themselves too well, and knowing also that all those blinkin' Easter baskets full of candy, the spiral cut hams and sweet potato dishes, and the champers after the Vigil service, would hardly bode well for a good weigh-in result this week.

So well done, girls. It's good to know your weaknesses, and you yourselves know those weaknesses all too well. Chips and guacamole? Cadbury creme eggs? Jello shooters? It's not for me to judge, but I want to say to you all:


A few stumbles in the journey hardly mean that the journey is over. Far from it. It's important to keep calm and carry on.

At this point it's critical to buckle down and get serious. Swimsuit season is only weeks away.

Perhaps you need to be forcibly restrained from eating after 7pm.

I would do this more often, but Mr D travels quite a lot, and his knot skills are not so hot, as he's studied neither sailing nor Kinbaku/shibari. Besides, ropes chafe. I prefer silk scarves.

But we were really discussing disappointment. How have I been disappointed? (Not counting today, when I weighed in two pounds higher than last week...)

Oh, boy. I've got a tale for you.

You probably remember my story about Mikey, the Harley guy. After I sent him on his way, I got into bike racing in a pretty serious way. There's a lot more to it than you'd think -- racing is really competitive, and dangerous too. I bought a lot of leather, and wore out loads of boots and knee pads taking those tight turns.

Robert Downey Jr saw me in one of my televised races, and he approached me afterwards, saying he'd never seen a girl ride a bike with so much ... authority. I was flattered, but then you know those movie stars. They'd hit on anything standing on two legs.

We trained together for a while. I tried to teach him everything I knew, but he was a slow study, to be perfectly honest. I think he didn't really have a feel for the ride.

We worked hard and played hard. Here's a snap from one of the many studio events he took me to while he was still compos mentis.

But then three weeks after this photo was taken, he was off to rehab.

Disappointed? You bet. I waited for him for a while, but frankly, I had better and tastier fish to fry.

A girl doesn't have all day, you know.