Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Flattery will get you everywhere. Maybe.

Oh, goodness, I was so thrilled when Glenn stopped me in the corridor this morning and asked if he could take my picture with his new iPhone. Obviously, my diet is going fabulously, and he wanted to document my progress (and maybe print out a copy of the glamorous image to tape to the inside of his locker!?!? My lips are sealed.)

He said he'd email it to me, and he did, with the caption "yummy yummy!" That's me, of course, one of those yummy mummys they're always going on about in the tabloids. I scare myself sometimes, I'm that stunning.

But as I opened the email I had an alarming thought. Hasn't Steve Jobs had to recall some iPhones because of problems? Antenna issues, or distortion, or something, I'm not sure.

Well sure enough, problems abound. Here's the first:

Holy cats! If this is the kind of product you can expect from Apple, well then I am simply appalled at the poor quality of the image. Crow's feet AND a goiter! What's up with that?

This diva is most dissatisfied.

Punishment will be forthcoming. Run and hide, boys, run and hide.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

How to keep your partner happy...

When I lived in England, I had this rather glam girlfriend named Zara. We played tennis together, and I did my best to ignore her terrible line calls because she was a stitch off-court.

She was a sloe-eyed brunette, slim, tawny-skinned, and vivacious. She identified herself as Persian (rather than Iranian), spoke with a sultry exotic accent, and was fond of purring useful advice over a double espresso after matches. The most memorable tidbit was this:

"To keep a man happy, all zat is needed is zees: one freshly pressed shirt and one hot meal per day. Anything more is at your discretion." I don't imagine that she ever did her own ironing or her own cooking, as I believe she had staff for that. Still, the simplicity of the concept was stunning.

Iron ing., originally uploaded by csheemoney.

Yet is it true?

Yes and no. I'm learning to love ironing, and cooking is growing on me as well.

DSC07881_resize, originally uploaded by k.a. gilbert.

Yet it's hard to cook diety-type dinners that still show the love. What are your secrets, ladies?

DSC08118, originally uploaded by k.a. gilbert.
And how can I avoid doing the dishes?

And here's how you can show me the love. You can comment on these posts, just go below and highlight 0 comments, (right after "posted by expateek at 12.:15am" or whatever). When you hit that spot, a comment box should open up, and you can weigh in with your reactions or recipes, my friendishes. Beth C gives me da lurve every time I see her in person in da club, but I want to hear from all of you on line too!

Don't forget, only 5 1/2 weeks until the big day. Step up your iron regime girls -- whether you pump iron or push an iron, it can only help, however you look at it.


Monday, July 19, 2010

Focus, ladies!

I was in the locker room yesterday morning, changing into my workout gear, and overheard two very plump seventy-plus-year-old ladies chatting. They had just finished their water aerobics class, and were sitting half-naked and winded on the benches.

"Betty, I'm so sorry I didn't make it to class last week. I couldn't sleep the night before. Terrible. I just couldn't get out of bed the next morning."

"Oh I know, Ida. Insomnia is awful!"

"Really, I just couldn't get a wink of sleep."

"Well, I've often found that thinking about cleaning my oven works pretty well. I just think to myself 'I should clean that oven,' and by the time I get halfway down the stairs, I'm so tired I turn right around, go back upstairs and fall asleep instantly."


I couldn't help myself and burst out laughing. "Sorry, I didn't mean to eavesdrop, but that's just too funny. And you're totally right, of course. Ovens are diabolical!" I pulled on my sport shorts.

"It's true, isn't it? There's nothing like oven-cleaning to take the wind right out of your sails."


Betty piped up again. "Say, that's some hunk on the inside of your locker there!"

I turned, startled.

"That photo!" said Ida, pointing. "Yes, he's quite amazing. Is that your husband?"

"Sadly, no," I replied. "Though I hear Safin's quite a philanderer, so maybe I'm lucky after all."

"Men! They're just impossible." said Betty, shaking her head.

"I love his tattoo." Ida's eyes went all dreamy. "He looks like he's not even wearing any trunks." With great effort, she peeled off her wet suit and dropped it unceremoniously on the carpet.

"It's Marat Safin. He's a tennis player." I was going to add "and he's my secret boyfriend number 8" but wasn't sure they'd appreciate my sense of humor.

"Just goes to show, you're never too old," Betty chimed in, cackling.

"So true, ladies, so true," I replied.

"In my head, I'm still twenty-six. You go to the movies, and you still fall in love with the leading man. I'm not dead yet. Thank God." Ida sighed.

But what does this have to do with dieting, you ask? Not much. In fact, just this morning I got a sharp reprimand from Matt on court. "Focus, Ellie!" I was entirely distracted by the fact that Glenn had stripped off his shirt, six courts away.

"Think about tennis!"

Ah yes, easier said than done. And we should also be thinking about DIETING since the big deadline is only six weeks away. There's not much room for error at this point. Every little calorie counts.

I think Eleanore is still the closest to her goal. She's stopping at nothing; she even gave me a jar of chocolate covered cherries to try to sabotage reward my dieting efforts. You know that one, always thinking of others! I have a plan though, involving fewer peanut M&M's and chocolate covered cherries, and more exercise, along with large servings of fresh fruits and vegetables.

We'll see who cackles last.

Monday, July 12, 2010

August 31st, 2010

Yup, the big day is approaching, laydeez, so GET IN THAT GYM!

Fifty [50] days until the final weigh-in.
It's coming! And I'm afraid.

Personally, I've been suffering a little bit of a "spell" lately. I seem to be stuck. So once again, I'm trying to "up" my exercise and "down" my snacking.

But Patrice had an even BETTER idea, which is that on the final weigh-in day, we could show up in swimsuits. This would have multiple beneficial effects, i.e.,: increased motivation to actually diet more effectively so as to look good in a suit; and swimsuits weigh less than tennis clothes so you might get the odd half-pound off your total. I'll bring my camera, and once again we'll be famous.

Think about it. My Borat suit weighs hardly anything. Score!

I know this is going to totally motivate ME, so whether you all go for the idea or not, I'm entirely in. It'll encourage me to work harder in Pilates sessions to tone my core, and I might persuade myself to leave the roasted cashews alone after 5pm (world's biggest temptation!) Not to mention the Stoli in the freezer.

Where were we? Of course, snacking on cashews. The Daily Herald today had some good snack suggestions on page 2 of the Health and Fitness section. Joshua Steckler and Mark Trapp, two robust and hunky fitness trainers from Schaumburg suggest the following:
  • 1 apple and 1 tablespoon natural almond butter
  • protein smoothie -- 1 scoop whey or egg protein (ewwww, gross!), 1 cup frozen fruit, 1 tablespoon natural peanut butter, 8 oz of water
  • 1 hard-boiled egg and 1 half cup blueberries (I guess these things go together because they're both ovoid shaped?)
  • 2 celery sticks and 1 tablespoon natural peanut butter
  • greek yogurt and one half cup raspberries
  • 1 oz almonds and 2 oz grapes
  • 1 half-cup cottage cheese with a sliced peach
These boys look like they're eating a bit more than the above, but then they're men and they're fitness trainers, so they probably get a few bonus calories. How much is 2 oz of grapes? My scale doesn't go that low.

In other news from this morning's Herald, "Skinny Tips" include:
  • cut out soft drinks;
  • sleep more (ha! you can't eat while asleep, or some of us can't anyway);
  • have 3 servings of vegetables with dinner rather than just one (so exhausting to cook three: this will make you sleep even more! especially since you cut out soft drinks at the beginning of this paragraph, so no Diet Coke! No caffeine! My goodness, things are just going from bad to worse to flippin' terrible here, all in the space of one long run-on sentence!)
And that's just about it. All these diet tips are thanks to someone who said to me today, "What is that blog about?"

And I was like, "Weight loss, and fitness, I guess. Except I haven't posted a diet tip for ages and all I do is run on and on about handsome men and bulging quadriceps!" Whoops, reality check.

But you don't come here for the diet and weight loss tips, do you now? You're here for the visuals. And so here you go.

Eating fruit is good for you.

Vegetables are sexy.

And you should definitely have 6 a day. Just like the sign says.

Friday, July 9, 2010

Hot, Hot, HOT!!!

While you girls have been sipping mint juleps by your country club pools, or relaxing at your lake houses, this intrepid journalist/blogger (with neither lake house nor country club membership) has been hard at work. Someone has to keep her nose to the grindstone!

I admit, I was a bit distracted by World Cup goings on.

However, we can attribute my investigations to a healthy interest in ...

excellent glutes here,

glorious abs here,

and lovely thighs (my personal weakness) here and here.

Do click on those links to waste an hour or two.

Come back after you've taken a "nap".

Right-ee-yo, are you back with us now?
Well, we can't all hanker after world cup athletes, so it makes sense to look a bit closer to home. Which means...
Wheaton Sport Centre, natch.

I took my camera to the club the other day, to take some photos to inspire you to greater heights (or lows) in your weight loss endeavours, and look what I've come up with: all these photos are entirely suitable for papering the inside of your gym locker.

Sweet legs...

Amazing abs...

Whoa, hang on, that was a "before" picture!

Excellent biceps...

Tasty calves and lustrous Asian hair ....

Glenn tells me (and I can confirm!) that his skin feels like a baby's. Smooth, silky... you don't even want to know; it's not for public consumption. In this photo, he's showing off his biceps and his new tattoo (obvs, it says "Ellie"). I told him I didn't want him marring his beautiful skin like that, but he wouldn't listen. Men!

Here's another one who wasn't listening. Immediately after I took this photo,

Kevin took out his earphones and said, "You have no idea what you're doing with that camera, do you?"

Harsh but true. Oh well. That's why I usually steal my photos from the interwebz. At least I write my own material.

But sadly, I still have no takers on posing in the Borat swimsuit. Girls, if you're interested I can assure you that it is a unisex suit. If you stand very very very still whilst wearing it, you can make it work. (Also, relax your glutes because the suit is really rubbish at hiding cellulite.) And of course, neon green doesn't work on everyone. That green doesn't go so well with my skin tone, but on the other hand, it did really made my blue eyes "pop". Come to think of it, my husband's brown eyes "popped" when he caught sight of me in the mirror.

I just told him I was doing research for the blog, and he nodded sagely and backed out of the room.